Wings Ink Cleary to 3 Year Extension

Stanley Cup Finals - Pittsburgh Penguins v Detroit Red Wings - Game 2

Breaking news out of Hockeytown today. Despite what some fans would want, Ken Holland and the rest of the Red Wings’ management has decided to sign Dan Cleary to a 3 year contract extension. As per team policy, the financial details have not been disclosed at this time, though it is expected to carry a cap hit of about $3 million.

The reaction around the locker room was overwhelmingly positive.

“He’s great on the PK and the young guys really look up to him” says Jimmy Howard “I think this move puts us in a great position to contend in the future.”

“A player like Danny Cleary is someone you have to hold on to when he comes along” says coach Mike Babcock “Just look at the position we’re in right now. If Clears is in the lineup this year instead of an inexperienced guy like Jurco or Sheahan, we’re probably fighting for home ice rather than a wild card.”

Team captain Henrik Zetterberg added: “I hope [Mike Babcock] puts him on my line.”

When pressed for the type of role they expect the aging forward to play in the future, Ken Holland explained that Cleary will be something of a “setup guy” for Gustav Nyquist.

“Our priority right now is keeping players like Gustav Nyquist happy” says GM Ken Holland “After what I did to him last fall, I owe him. Goose likes a good Long Island Iced Tea and Cleary makes a really good one, so we’re keeping Cleary around.”

Holland continued: “Think of him as Nyquist’s personal assistant.”

“Personal assistant? Yeah, whatever” said Gustav Nyquist as he dug a stiletto heel into Cleary who was crouched on the ground before Nyquist, acting as a human foot rest.

“Cherries! Cherries!” cried Cleary in pain.

“Screw your safe word, you roster spot stealing jackass!” said Nyquist

Despite the mostly positive comments from teammates, not everyone in the organization liked Cleary’s new position.

“It’s sad how this organization has changed in recent years” said Mikael Samuelsson, as he prepared to put on a black leather gimp outfit. “They used to trade kids away to get guys like me. Now?” his voice trailed off as he looked over at rookie forward Tomas Jurco who was tapping a dominatrix whip in the palm of his hand.

April Fools, of course!