Suter and Parise Are The Real Losers Here

Reminding Wild Fans What A Stanley Cup Celebration Looks Like

Warning, this is a rant and is not safe for work.

Suter and Parise are going to pair up and head to Minnesota.  Congrats guys.   You wanted a place where you could avoid the limelight?  Well you’ll chose a place where you’ll be forgotten forever.

I thought both of you were winners, champions at heart.  Couldn’t have been more wrong about that one.  Rather than choosing a proven winner, you chose a perennial bottom dweller, in possibly one of the most forgettable cities in the league.  The Wild are the taint of the NHL: forgettable, pointless and a little disgusting.

Minnesota?  Who are you going to play with?  Cal Clutterbuck or the imposter that calls himself Dany Heatley?  You’re one fucking pill of Viagra for Minnesota’s limp dick, while Detroit been going Ron Jeremy for the past 21 years.

Hit the jump.  

Oh, they have great prospects?  They’ll be great in the future?   Yeah, ask Columbus how that’s worked out.  They’ve had prospects for 12 years and managed to land face first in their own shit every time.    The Wild’s track record isn’t any better.

Missing anything, like championships?

But the ownership will take care of you?  Really, you’re counting on Craig Leipold?  You know, the owner that almost caused Nashville to shut their doors, appears to only care about the money, and has never brought a winner to the table, is the guy you’ve put faith in for the rest of your career.  Let’s call Nashville fans and ask what they think of him.

Is Leipold going to treat you like family like Illitch does in Detroit (or like Mario does in a creepy Jerry Sandusky way like in Pittsburgh)? Is it going to be a place where, if you honor the jersey on your back, you’ll be taken care of and revered for the rest of your life?  Nah, you’ll be treated like the dollar symbol you are in Minnesota.  Enjoy being milked for all you’re worth by Leipold until he moves on to the next money making opportunity.

Yeah, it would be harder to get your jersey retired in Pittsburgh or Mo-Town.  You might even play second fiddle to Datsyuk or Crosby.  But champions are up for the challenge.  There’s a reason the only superstar that Minnesota has ever known packed his bags and left.  

Had you gone to Pittsburgh, I would have hated it, but understood.   They’ve put together a hell of a fucking program over there, built on the tears of Gary himself.  But you chose an easy life of mediocrity instead, and I can’t respect that.  Safe and easy and forgettable.  Sure, you might say I’m a pissed off, whiny Wings fan.  I damn well am.  It’s because I thought you both were better than this.  I hope you enjoy a career of 7th place finishes and tight defensive schemes.

Zach, ten years ago I met your girlfriend at a restaurant.  I hate to tell you this, but she was into me man.    She’s not into losers.

But now, let’s move on.  Nash?  Ryan?  Semin?  Carle? Get on the phone Kenny.  50 bucks says the Wings win two cups before either of you losers make it to the finals.


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