We’re Going to Make Your White-Out Bleed Red

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Thanks to Andy from Fight Night at the Joe for bringing this to my attention.  I was going to say something about it regardless today, but Five for Howling has called down the thunder…

First let me once again remind everyone that Coyotes don’t howl.  The sound that they play after the Coyotes score is that of a wolf…

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Dear Coyote Fans:

Time to BRING IT. It’s official now that we’ll be facing the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs. We know what that means. No, not that we have to deal with a well coached team. No, not that they have good goaltending we have to beat. No, not that we have to pummel Tomas Holstrom about the head until he gets his ass out of the crease without getting called for interference. Rather it means we have to deal with their annoying, know-it-all, douchebag fans thinking they can come into OUR HOUSE and thinking they can run things.

Ahem…we know we can.  And if by know-it-all fans you mean “know-more-than-we-do”…you’re probably right.  Unless of course, you’re not actually from Phoenix…which most of you aren’t.  Regardless, the author then goes on to explain how they could keep us from completely taking over their White-Out, which you know…has worked so well since 1987.  They’re quite numerous so bear with me before I make my comments.

  1. Be loud. Be louder than you’ve ever been. I know this isn’t what you’re used to, but we’ve got these jerks to drown out. Phoenix fans are polite and reserved at pretty much every event. Not any more. Wingers are annoying. We have to be annoying back. 
  2. Bring signs to the game. It doesn’t matter what they say because they aren’t to show support, but just in case you have Wing fans behind you you can totally ruin their game experience and discourage them from coming to future games. 
  3. Don’t sell any extras to Red Wing fans. Pre-screening is the best way to keep these people out. You’ll have to be tricky with your screening questions though as Red Wing fans will lie to get you to sell to them. It’s what they do. 
  4. Stretch out your middle fingers. You’ll be needing them and don’t want to cramp up at the wrong moment when you really need them. Just in case you might want to do some finger exercises. Just in case you haven’t done this before do the following: First make a fist. Then extend your middle finger as far as you can upward, point your finger upward so that the underside is facing you and the outer side is pointing toward someone with a wheel on their jersey. Good job.
  5. Did I mention be loud? I did? Well I’ll mention it again because it’s still important. I swear if people start a “Let’s go Coyotes!” chant and you don’t follow along we will excommunicate you from the Church of the Holy Canine. You bought a ticket, put it to good use. If you need a beer or something to loosen up to get cheering then get one. Even if the play is slow cheer, get loud, do something. 
  6. Be aware that people are watching. The matchup with the Red Wings means we’ll likely be on National TV once or twice in the first round. We want to represent. Don’t let the media get a hold of those “the arena is half Detroit” bullshit. 
  7. This is our white out. You know some jerkstore is going to show up in their solid red Wings jersey to f it up. Bring white paint. Do what comes naturally. 
  8. See if you can find Wings merchandise at a discount so that you have a way to light your grills during tailgating. Red Wing flags? Burn em. Red Wings jerseys? Burn ‘em. Red Wings cars? Burn ‘em. Red Wings lighters? Burn ‘em.
  9. Buy rattlesnakes. Why? New Promotion: Anyone with an octopus automatically receives a rattlesnake in their car after the game. 
  10. You’ll need to bring one of those Tide Stain remover pens to get the Red Wing fan blood out of your nice white jersey. 
  11. See a Wings fan around town before the game? Finger. See a car with a Wings logo? horn and finger. See a kid with a Wings logo? Report the parents to CPS because that’s just not okay.
  12. Do you work at the beer stand at the arena? When you see a Wings Jersey the taps are suddenly all malfunctioning. All you have left is Fresca.
  13. Learn how to boo people. It’s seriously okay to do. It’s not classless. Boo the hell out of the Red Wings at any chance you get. Also we need to be in sync when telling either Osgood or Howard they suck.
  14. If you see anyone with an octopus report them to security immediately. Or punch them in the damn face, take the octopus and throw it in the trash. Then throw said fan into the trash.

Here we go:

  1. You’re not used to being loud because you don’t go to games…no one does.  Dead last in attendance.  Except when Detroit comes to town.  I happen to attend the early January game this year and I can say without a shred of doubt that I felt almost as welcome as I do at the Joe.  Not going to change.  We own your building.
  2. Lame.  I do like how you say that they don’t have to be meaningful, since you know that your fans won’t have anything meaningful to say anyway.
  3. Okay, Pittsburgh.  Guess what?  Even if you go through the screening process, which I’m sure you won’t (since, ya know…fan loyalty isn’t exactly your strong suit), we’ll find a way into the building.  Even if we have to buy two tickets…which we have done in the past.
  4. We’ve been to Chicago…I think we can handle the crowd in Arizona.
  5. See #1.
  6. It’s going to happen. But I find it humorous that you have to resort to National Broadcasts to pander to the fans.  Still trying to get them to be loud?  Good luck.
  7. Your White Out is going to be an embarassment with all that red. It’s going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  8. Oh they’ll be buying the merchandise, but burning it?  No way…they’ll be wearing that sh*t.
  9. Ha…clever.  Nothing like non-sensical desert humor to combat one of the oldest traditions in the NHL.
  10. Nobody bought the white jerseys.  I didn’t see a single one when I was there.
  11. We’ll be sure to do the same thing in Michigan for all the Phoenix car logos and flags and such.  Oh wait, that won’t be much of a problem.
  12. Again…nonsense.
  13. If you haven’t leared how to boo people by now…wait, why do you have a team again?
  14. Good luck.  Again, it’s going to happen.

It’s a fairly predictable post from a blogger who cheers for a team with an extreme identity crisis.  Their state is littered with Red Wings fans, and they know it.  Will fans actually follow these notes?  Do people even read Phoenix Coyote blogs?  It doesn’t matter.

It’s a call to arms.

If you’re a Red Wings fan, and you’re in the area…bring your red.  I’d rather see you in a red t-shirt than wear your old white home jersey.  I would love nothing more (save a victory) than to see their precious little White Out bleed with red.  And not that crappy maroon color that they wear for their home games, real blood-red.  The color of a team that’s made the play-offs for 19 years in a row.  The color of a team that will be playing game 1 of the Western Conference Quarter Finals on the road for the first time in a decade.

I don’t need to go into details about what to do and how to behave.  You already know what to do.  We’ve been here before…they haven’t.   They don’t want to see the red at game…they will.  They don’t want to see the 8-legged octopus fly and hit the ice…it will.

So instead of rattling off a bunch of rah-rah notes for people, I’ll just say this: be yourselves.  Loud and proud Red Wings fans…we know you’re out there.  Stand and be counted.

The White Out is going to bleed.

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