“Crosby’s shoot-out goal saves Canada Hockey”
That was the headline of this morning’s Free Press article. Whew, thank god he scored…I mean he saved Canada Hockey. He not only saved hockey, but he saved Canada as well. In fact, it might even go beyond that:
If Crosby hadn’t scored that goal, mass suicide would have occurred in Vancouver last night. Unable to muster up the appropriate staff to clean up the bodies (all of the emergency response team was at the curling match), the corpses would become infected with plague. Most of Vancouver would flee into the United States.
Since most Americans regard Canadians as friendly, wholesome people, the people of Washington State, Idaho, and Montana welcomed the plague-infested souls into their home, where the disease would spread like wildfire throughout the community and down the West Coast. Most people knew nothing of the plague, because news of it was being held on a tape-delay with NBC so they could watch replays of the biathlon (even though it was occuring within their time-zone).
Meanwhile, by this time, the Olympic Games would have been cancelled (yes, even curling) and the Olympic Athletes would return to their home countries across the globe, unaware of the terrible fate that they carried with them. Patrick Kane declared himself as the Alpha of a roving gang of mouth guard chewers and childishly terrorized the midwest…and Buffalo. Within weeks, death and disease would become a global pandemic and bodies would litter the streets from Calgary to Cairo and beyond.
The decline in population would shrink the markets, reduce the volume of trade, diminish international exchange, and send our already weakened global economy into a state of chaos.
The world leaders would gather to combat the crisis. All eyes turned to the United States for a course of action to take, only to see that Obama voted that he was “present”.
As the cities began to burn, marshall law was declared in most major countries. Quarantines were compromised repeatedly. All efforts to contain the spread of death were proven futile at every turn.
When the disease finally reached North Korea, with their dying breath, the North Koreans launched their hidden weapons of mass destruction at Iran… a last act of defiance. Iran, who blamed the United States, launched their secret long-range nuclear war heads at the United States, taking out most of the Eastern Seaboard. The US then launched every nuke that they had all around the world, even at Africa who had no idea what was going on this entire time since they hardly send anyone to the Winter Olympics.
In the end, only Australia and Anarctica remained.
Luckily, Sidney Crosby scored that goal last night to beat the Swiss 3-2 in a preliminary game. Luckily, Crosby’s shoot-out goal saved Canada Hockey…and the world.