Phoenix: A Response

Phoenix Coyotes (alias: Phoennipeg Jetotes)
Media Relations
6751 North Sunset Boulevard, #200
Glendale, AZ 85
305

To:

Sully of NOHS
0000 Bakalakadaka St
Thatcher, AZ  85552


For starters, we’re really not certain we’ll have accomodations in our arena for hockey on all scheduled Phoenix home games, what with the Usher and WEC events we have lined up (I’m inserting some coupons for these events as well).

But Commissioner Bettman As., has already assured us, we’ll host hockey with or without an arena.  Which brings me to my next big news for you, that we are going to host an outdoor hockey game, just like they do on TV, here in Phoenix!  We’re all very excited to announce that January 1st, 2011, against some Canadian team, we will be playing outside.  Now Commissioner Bettman has gone over the logistics with us time and time again, and as it doesn’t get quite as cold in Glendale as it does in, say, Buffalo, New York, we will circumvent the problem by laying out the water earlier, that it may have a longer time to freeze and “set up”.  According to our calculations, the water should turn to ice if it is being cooled since October.  Not to worry, we’ve already turned the valves on all available spouts.  This is going to take out a really big chunk of parking in the Glendale Sports Facilities area, so we’re also going to insert, along with the 2 coupons for free 24 oz. drink with purchase of a meal, parking tickets that will allow you special access to park in Apache Junction, Arizona.  A mere 45 miles out for only 18 dollars (after mail-in rebate).  Really can’t argue with that.

To help mend the parking situation, which we admit is not ideal and may reflect some poor planning, we’ve decided to cheer everyone up with young college girls in ill-fitting outfits selling drink to everyone.  This is another great idea we’re excited to announce, and I have to give you some credit where credit is due for alerting us to the cavalcade of willing females just down the road at Arizona State University.  Sure, they’re young and naive with leathery skin and dark hair that’s fried and bleached to sort of corrosive blonde look, but underneath their cold sores and bolt-on breasts are gentle souls who will do absolutely anything for a dollar.  Meaning that you, yes, lucky you, can take part in our dollar beer nights anytime you show up for a hockey game/Usher concert/WEC event.

And of course, we need our anthem.  Our song of spirit.  Our fight song!  If you will.  Because of the immense amount of emtion hockey fans (not ours, certainly) seem to show during the course of a game, a season, and a playoff run, we’ve decided to embrace a song of strong emotion.  One that really reaches into your soul and captivates the very essence of your desires to have what you always wanted: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agrXgrAgQ0U

As for our logo, we were inspired by your use of the old one that we will go back to it, green jerseys and all.  You remember the one, the one that looks like a coyote drawn whilst high, as though our mascot is the coyote from that Simpson’s episode where Homer does peyote and Johnny Cash guest stars as the coyote…that one?  That’s the look we want.  We want the psychodelic retarded-dog-thing-shooting-a-puck  back.  The coyote that looks like, if you time traveled to the time when the Egyptians were erecting the pyramids, and asked them to sketch on the walls with whatever paint and colours they had available, what they think “Alf” should look like, they’d draw that piece of s*** and thousands of years later we’d put it on a green jersey and skate around with it proudly displayed on our chests in front of empty seats and vacant bleachers?  Yeah, that one.

In any case, I think you’ll find we have much to offer here in Glendale, especially when you include a now-followed NFL team.  It’s ripe with expectations, flowing with potential, and cursed with a failure that somehow makes the fans more and more loyal and passionate with each strong showing in the playoffs.  No, I don’t get that part, either, but in the words of the great Greg Dulli:  “See something you like?  Ain’t nothing free.  See something you like you gotta pay me.”  In closing, we’d like to thank you for your suggestions.  Your hockey knowledge and wit offer us great potential as we begin, in our 13th or 14th or 15th year of existance to target hockey fans.

Your Fan,

The Pheonix Coyotes.

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