Concerned Local Hockey fan(s)
Phoenix Coyotes (alias: Phoennipeg Jetotes)
6751 North Sunset Boulevard, #200
Glendale, AZ 85305
Good day, Phoenix Coyotes Hockey Club Public Management, I am writing to you as an informed member of your local hockey market. The purpose of this is to express my satisfaction to hear your franchise and your many, wonderful and diverse fans are to remain in Glendale for at least 41 more games (is it too soon to pop the bubbly?); as well as to make aware to you my concerns that you might not learn from the lessons of every other team that either was relocated or became dangerously close but managed to stand firm and stay put. Even though Gary the Integrity of the NHL’s Hittman Bettman has publicly voiced his impatience with the pending buyers as well as the Dale of Glen, or is Glen of Dale, or does City of Glendale make any sense to anyone? Anyway, he has also said he will leave it until December, at which point his patience will suddenly, O-Fish-Al-ly, run out. Giving us plenty of time to fix your woes and make you a credible hockey franchise (as though 6 years weren’t enough. Wait, what? You’ve been here since 1997? Oh bull@#$%, yeah right. You’d be selling out here every game if you’d been here since the nineties. Unless you were total retards).
So with this treatise, you get a substantial amount of hockey knowledge, passed on from a fan who has followed hockey since the days before the Gary decided to take his all-in-good-fun game of Monopoly to the extreme and actually move an NHL franchise to a preposterous location in central Arizona. But that’s not all. You are also going to receive free advice on how to improve your attendance, how to win over fans, and in general, about twice as many great ideas to help you thrive as you’ve had playoff appearances.
Let us start with attendance, shall we? Because if Detroit fans, may those jobless vagrants burn in eternal hellfire, are the only reason you are currently selling out, then clearly there is an issue that needs addressing (a dressing? I always get those two confused). There is really nothing more embarrassing or shameful than hearing Dave Strader speak volumes of the Red Wings faithful during a home game only to be contradicted by the gutless, brainless, talentless Tyson Nash; and that’s not just because none of you knew who Dave Strader was before he came to Phoenix.
Now back to the attendance issue, Chicago faced a similar situation not too long ago. Their solution, apart from the more obvious Pittsburgh route, which means management decides for the team to remain a bottom feeder long enough to draft excellent picks, was to employ the use of a catchy tune. Follow the link provided to see how they restored the magic: Link Provided
Disgusting, yes. Also, probably send a big thank you to Brent Bartholomew of The Triple Deke for pointing out the lunacy of having such a song play everytime the home team finds the net. Now, my solution is to take this concept and, quite easily, improve upon it. I already have a song picked out for you and I just know you are going to love it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTN6Du3MCgI
Before you get upset, I’d like to point out why this video is relevant to your cause, neigh, our cause. You are discriminated against by nearly every traditional hockey market, fanbases full of ignorant, know-it-all, loyal fans who are rooted in teams that have been around longer than Arizona has had the means of executing criminals that exclude hanging. Really I wish I was joking about that one. So the traditionalists of your system oppose you. You should also know that at the 1:20 minute mark there is a scene featuring a…*ahem* gerbil. Coyotes LOVE gerbils, so that makes sense as well. There’s even a line that quotes: “I’ve got something [i.e. the puck] to put in you [i.e. the net].”
So there are much worse goal celebratory tracks out there. This one happens to be very catchy. It features one of the Coyote’s favourite snacks. And the traditionalists in your system are opposed to your existence? It all fits together. Not to mention that if we look back into the past when you first arrived, there was a vote between three possible nicknames to refer to the new Phoenix franchise. The options were, as we all recall: The Phoenix Coyotes, The Phoenix Phreeze, and the Phoenix Throaters. Make a stand Phoenix, take them on. Take them to a metaphorical gay bar and toss a metaphorical snake on to the ice after someone metaphorically scores. You following me here? Neither am I. Point is, it’s about repsect. And equality. And equality is what Gary has been preaching since his lockout forever changed the game of hockey to a game of parity (excluding the 2007-2008 season). The last compelling argument I’ll make in support of this change: You already have a Taco Bell blimp dropping coupons over the heads of the fans at intermission, which only lacks the sounds piping out of it of the other hit single by the Electric Six, Danger! High Voltage! For its notable reference to your sponsor: “Fire in the TACO BELL!” More people would come. I’m just saying.
And let’s face it you have a lot of tan, well gymmed, idiotic fans. And dumb muscleheads such as these don’t seem to know the difference between coyotes and wolves, so why not work in a sexy werewolf character into your act. Straight out of a Stephanie Meyer novel and into your (hand) Jobing.com arena. A nice, smooth, clean shaven beefcake who hits the gym twice as often as he hits the tanning bed, half as often as he tans outdoors. He could replace your current mascot, and skate alongside your ice girls. You know, the chubby girls showing midriff you have scooping up the goal crease during breaks? O you could make a play off the classic Warren Zevon song when he comes out, cleverly replacing ‘London’ with ‘Phoenix’, or ‘Glendale’, or whatever the hell, and hence replace your once-upon-a-time intro of Who Let the Dogs Out. Oh, how I wish I were joking about that, too.
Now look, I know I’m preaching to the choir. I know you are marketing geniuses. You have to be, you are located just 12 miles away from Arizona State University, a leader in Business education, STDs, athletes who murder their teammates and cheerleaders that become stars in the adult entertainment industry whilst representing the school’s cheer uniform (now I’m not one to hate on our in-state rivals, but as a good friend once taught me, ‘if you’re reading this, you don’t go to ASU’, so I’m not too worried). There is a hotbed there for marketing talent. Cash in on it. Or tap it, yeah, use that one; they’ll understand you better if you say it thusly.
As a fan of ice hockey everywhere, I support your cause and your attempts to not only remain in Glendale, but grow stronger here in a project suburb of our State’s dystopian capital. I want to do more than just lend you my geographically-related-only support, I want to get involved. I want to be a member of whatever support it is that demands hockey remain in an environment in which it cannot last, was never meant to be in the firstplace and was wrongfully taken from a worthwhile, hockey enthused culture.
I hope you are here to stay, and keep those self-appointed “real fans” in Canada from ever having another NHL team from refering to “home-ice” as someplace that is actually cold enough to legitimately have ice.
Concerned Local Hockey fan(s)
P.S. I mailed that isht.